5 Signs You are a Lousy Listener and What To Do about it.

I admit it. There have been times I just have not cared enough to listen. I am not proud of it although that still does not make it alright.

Like at a certain time last week, I am painfully aware that I was impatient and wanted to be heard and I really did not want to listen. My story was more important. I am ashamed. I know I can do better.

I also know that listening is a skill and like all skills it can be learned. The key is to first notice the ways in which we are ‘not listening’ and then take steps to do better.

1. Focus and Attention (Not!)

Your focus and attention is anywhere but with the one who is speaking with you even though you are seated across from each other. You are filing papers or folding laundry or trying to catch the eye of the waiter. Or the greatest offender- CHECKING YOUR PHONE EVERY FEW SECONDS. You are doing anything but making eye contact which is a fundamental part of listening.

What To Do About It.

Put away your phone or the work you are doing. If giving someone your full blown attention is not possible at the time do not tell him yes he can come in for a minute to ask or tell you something. Make another time for it if it’s possible or ask him if he could give you a few minutes to wrap up some things if you know you cannot give him your fullest attention.

2. Listening to reply

You listen but with the intention of replying such that as your colleague talks you are busy processing your answer to whatever it is he is saying. You probably want to come up with a funnier story than his or a more shocking one. Out of every a 100 words he spoke you heard about a quarter.

What To Do About It.

Ask yourself why you want to one up him. Why do you need your story to be better than his?

Chances are that a) you were probably not aware that you were even doing that and

b) you have certain issues with that person in the first place that you are better off addressing. This is not going to be a fun journey if the issues run deep but for your own peace of mind they need to be dealt with.

3. You interrupt.

Most of us are guilty of this at some point or the other. I know I am. Usually, when we feel attacked or insulted we are quick to rise to our own defence. Usually, chaos results.

Or when we feel we must give an immediate response to what is being said before the moment passes. Or we are afraid we will forget the point altogether.

Truth be told, sometimes it is just rudeness and a lack of sensitivity that drives one to cut people off in midsentence.

What To Do About It.

If you feel someone is coming at you with a vengeance take a deep breath and let him say his piece anyway. Your turn will come. If you interrupt because you fear you will forget have a notepad ready to jot down what he said and your response to it. But that in itself should not take you away from the main issue and that is to listen.

If you interrupt because you don’t know any better then ask yourself how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and someone cut you off. Ask yourself if your kids or someone who looks up to you will appreciate your actions. If you don’t care either way then happy finding people to hold conversations with.

4. You fidget; get up to straighten the cushions; get a glass of water; draw the curtains; drum your fingers.

What the person talking is hearing is: “hurry up, already! I have other more important things to do than listen to you” He will feel rushed, unheard and unvalidated. Not a good thing if you want to cultivate -and keep!-your relationships.

What To Do About It.

Ask yourself why you are fidgeting , getting up etc. Are you afraid of what you might hear? Is it some sort of defence mechanism? If it is just that you are the kind of person who needs to have everything just so before giving someone or something your undivided attention then take care of them beforehand. When you sit to listen, do just that-SIT AND LISTEN.

5. You change the subject of the conversation or bring it back to you.

As soon as your companion stops to take a breath you swoop in with: “Did I tell you I met Nadya at the Town Mall yesterday? She tried to give me the slip but I cornered her at the makeup counter. Thought she could get away with not paying me for the favour she owes me!”

What To Do About It.

Perhaps you mean well but this can put off some people if not most. If you are also eager to have someone listen to you, tell yourself they will be in a better position to listen to you once they are done with what they have to say. Chances are they will be more than happy to lend you their ears since you were so good as to lend them yours.

Listening is an important part of any relationship personal or professional. It is well worth our time and effort to teach ourselves how to listen effectively and sincerely. I have found that real listening requires patience, empathy and humility. Not bad things to have in your personality tool bag.

After all, all great leaders possess admirable listening skills. No one wants to interact with someone who has no time for others’ thoughts, opinions or feelings.