I know. I know. It has been a while. But it is great to be back!
I want to share something with you that has been eating at me for a while now……
“Yes, but you don’t work….”
I stared in shock and disbelief at a so-called friend who I had not seen in ages and who I was very much looking forward to catching up with. I had engaged a teenage niece to take care of my little ones so that I could go meet with said friend and another.
We had been laughing and reminiscing; complaining about how dieting was sucking the fun out of life and speaking of life what would we not give for a few extra hours in the day just for ‘me-time’?
My two colleagues (both of whom have high powered corporate jobs) seemed puzzled that I was including myself in the ‘there are not enough hours in the day for me to do all that needs getting done’ train since I apparently ‘do not work’ . After all, stay at home moms are supposed to have all the hours at their disposal.
At the time of this incident, Little Man was barely three months old; Princess was still in diapers and Junior was only just starting to adjust to another newcomer in the family. It had taken days of planning to be able to even make this reunion.
Needless to say, I went back home thinking: ” that’s two hours of my life I am not going to get back.”
I have been a ‘stay at home mom’ at various points during my life; mostly surrounding the births of my kids up to three or more years after that.
Contrary to popular belief choosing not to work outside the home does not equal long leisurely walks, or dinners or leisurely anything!
In fact quite the opposite. Just because you do not have a nine to five job does not mean you have no demands on your time. Or that you are any less of value. Or that you are somehow ‘second class.’ Or the all time favourite: a traitor to womankind for having a choice but opting for that.
While being a stay at home mum, I did what every mother does whether she stays at home or otherwise. I supervised homework, I did the housework (house help is relatively inexpensive in Kenya but for many years we didn’t have that option). I organised our lives, I disciplined, I cooked, I attended school meetings, I fell into bed exhausted most days like many moms. I thank Allah for JD who has been a hands-on Dad from the word go.
But I also took several courses to advance myself, my education and my spiritual life. I did very fulfilling part time work when I could find it, I wrote, I volunteered, I contributed. I (voluntarily) put my salary from the few hours of “REAL WORK” I did to the running of the household (as do millions of other stay at home mothers like me)
I don’t know about elsewhere but here in Mombasa stay at home moms, aside from the demands of running a household and overseeing (and yes, sometimes micromanaging) their kids’ lives, have other interests.
Many have home based businesses like making and selling of local street snacks; many are seamstresses (many generations of the women in my family including Mom, her sisters, JD’s aunts have been and still are) Others are expert henna artists, beauticians, and private mathematics and English tutors (Once upon a time I belonged to this group also)
Sadly, all the grief stay at home mothers are given come from other women. I would have thought that we would unite in solidarity and support each others’ choices but there have been many a time a sister has come up to me and said she wishes she could buy my education, my degree and the diploma itself (literally buy it from me and change the name) because I was wasting it staying home. “You could be making big bucks from it.”
But let us assume for an instant that all stay at home mothers do nothing to advance themselves, their net worth or contribute not a shilling to the household budget. Let us assume they are not even remotely interested in the above. Let us assume that all they do or want to do is ensure that their homes run smoothly, their children and their other half are happy, fed and are where they need to be at any given moment in time. To me, that is noble enough and even honourable.
If it is a choice they have made willingly, who are we to judge?
April is coming to an end and today marks the first day of school. For us parents, it’s yey!
For the kids……. not so much 🙂
You see, for millions of Kenyan children the best part of April is school holidays.
For us parents, not so much.
Dealing with bored kids and trying to navigate our way around the ‘urgencies’ of housebound children with nothing to do but call mum at work with a laundry list of complaints the top of which is ” Mum, we are bored we have nothing to do” is ….um….challenging. 🙂
Especially since you forbade the excessive use of handheld gadgets. Little Man always finds a way out of this by declaring that a laptop is not handheld therefore he is allowed to use it.
No use packing them off to grandma for a change of scenery either since she disapproves of children entertaining themselves via the internet. I know Little Man will take his leave, board a tuktuk and make his way home.
That’s the great thing about kids; they stay true to themselves.
They will say what they honestly think usually without filters.
They don’t have two sets of behaviours; how they act at home is usually how they will conduct themselves elsewhere.
How they interact with others when grandma is around is usually how they will behave when she is not around. How they behave when Dad is around…….well…….that’s another story……
Kids will say what’s on their minds. They will also repeat what they heard you say. And they will usually do this at the most public of places and in the most inappropriate of ways.
They will be clueless as to what that look you are giving them means. (hint: Shush! Shush! You don’t need to be sharing this!)
If you have been around children for any length of time you will recognise some of the things I am about to regale you with 😀
Having a large extended family means that there has been no shortage of cringe-worthy moments. Somehow children seem to favour the presence of guests to be extra honest.
Princess and siblings laugh with horror and disbelief when I tell them some of the things they got up to.
I know the guests who came over for a planned lunch or afternoon tea with us often left amused. I am happy that they had a sense of humour (well, some of them anyway) and could see some of their own children’s behaviours in my kids’ shenanigans:
1. They bicker- very loudly- and spill out all the reasons why they don’t like each other.
Junior: ” that’s why Umi won’t play with you anymore- you are so stubborn!”
Princess: ” well, no-one wants you on their team Mr. I- am- a- better- soccer- player -than everyone- else!”
2. They ask- very loudly- why your best crockery comes out only during Eid or when there are guests around. (Hint: you probably would have no best crockery left if you let it out of the sideboard for everyday use) ” Is it Eid?”
3. They announce- very loudly- (at age three anyway😁) that they have finished a “number two” and can you come sort them out? Never mind you assigned that special duty to the designated baby sitter.
4. They ask the guests if they can have the appetizers that you set out for said guests even though you explained to them. Very slowly. That the appetizers on the kitchen table with less spice are theirs. And that the appetizers on the best crockery on the living room coffee table are for the guests. ” Mamaa said these ones are for you.”
5. They (all of them but older sibling) refuse to take orders from their teenage cousin who you put in charge while you are entertaining. They come straight to the living room where you are and: “Mama, go discipline Salma (the teenage cousin). She said if there were no guests she would give us a smack behind our heads for not listening to her.”
They (the three-year-old) also -sometimes- come into the said living room wearing nothing but undergarments.
6. They (all of them but older sibling) announce- very loudly- that Baba (their Dad) called to ask if the guests have left and can he come home? Not understanding that Baba wants the ladies to feel free and not worry about hijab.
7. You hear thuds and screams and bangs and glass breaking and someone sobbing. You go to investigate and you find all seated innocently but the vacuum cleaner is strangely out of place. You shoot them a warning look and they smile sweetly.
8. It is the only time you whisper while in your own home (you don’t want the ladies hearing your threats)
9. Because you were not blessed with Baba’s (your husband) extremely effective ‘go play in your rooms or else’ look.
10. You go in and give them big hugs every now and then because somehow they manage to get more adorable with each mess they make.
I treasure these memories and wish there had been more of them.
What about you? What kind of things do the kids in your life get up to when you have guests? Let me know in the comments!
